Monday, January 19, 2009

The Devil Made Me Do It!

Ok, ladies and germs, I have a confession to make. After wondering what all the hype was about, especially after being lured in by my cyber-friend June Cleaver After A Six-Pack, I picked this up from the library on Friday, sometime around 3:30pm.
I had just finished What Is The What?, an excruciatingly intense story of one of the Lost Boys of Sudan and needed to do a 180-degree turn.

Careful what you wish for.

Can I just say that the most damning thing that can be told to a girl seems to be, "Edward Cullen is staring at you."
And before I go any further, June Cleaver, stay with me through this whole post and hear me out, sistah!

Now... let's get started.

First, Edward, darling. You are just over 100 years old. Quit hanging around the high school trying to pick up a 17-year-old girl from a broken home who's new in town, you dirty old man. And for that matter, lurking outside of said girl's bedroom window all night is grounds for getting shot by her police chief Dad. Stalking is creepy at any age. No wonder you're lurking around this girl's place. Any grown woman would have you slapped with a restraining order and would sleep with a Taser under her pillow.

That said, how about someone closer to your own age? You might be interested to know that a girl learns a few things over oh, say, twenty years that a dirty old man like you might enjoy.

But I digress.

Second, Bella. Listen, sweetie. Most importantly, if a guy tells you that he fell for you because of your smell.... uhhhh, yeah, can we really look at that one in the Bright Light of Normal? Also, we all like to think we can tame the Bad Boy, that that makes us special somehow.

But let me tell ya something, honey. You either won't or will get the job done. Neither works out well. And either way, you have to figure out how to lose the superhuman bloodthirsty guy outside of your bedroom window. And don't get me wrong. I get the whole thrill-of-dating-someone-I'm-not-supposed-to thing. Every gal does. But then something happens -- we grow up.

Now, Edward, if you would like to see what I keep under my pillow, well... no wait, go away, you creepy old man.....

Shame on me you.

Hey, I said stop doing that. You're distracting me. You bad, bad man.

Finally, Stephenie Meyer. Holy cow, dear. You struck paydirt. But how? You're no J.K. Rowling and you're certainly no Joss Whedon (oh Buffy, didn't we have fun?). Every character was a well-worn archtype. The plot was painfully predictable. You go pages and pages and pages of nothing happening, just talking. For God's sake, I get it! -- he's moody and broody and seething with sex and death -- get on with it already! And then when something does (finally!) happen, it's overwhelmingly obvious what exactly it will be. Cash those checks, my friend. Good on ya for sitting down at a typewriter in the first place and getting hit by this kind of publishing lightening. Just promise me one thing? When you finish this series, promise me that you will never again touch a keyboard of any kind. Don't even text-message.

That sweater looks itchy... want some help with that?

Oh, and one more thing Edward. If you so painfully want this girl, yet still manage to go through three more books without laying one single unchaste hand on her, you are not a vampire. You are gay. (notthatthere'sanythingwrongwiththat!)


Ok, then. A few more confessions. What the hell -- it's a fairly anonymous blog.

I got the book on Friday afternoon. I finished it on Sunday afternoon. 500 pages in 48 hours.

(and for the record, Bella, you might have a barely-bridled demon for a boyfriend, but I have a fully-unleashed saint for a husband)

I have the second book on my request list at the library. (none of these books on are on any shelves in the city -- they are all in circulation) I will shamelessly put the other two on there, as well.

I have the movie on my Netflix reserve queue. And I know that whenever it comes out, that I'll pop it up to the front of the line. Cursing myself the whole time.

I don't understand it. I don't want to understand it. I just want to enjoy it, scolding myself the whole time.

So until we meet again, Edward, there is something I just have to finally reconcile with myself:

I am such a chick.


Anonymous said...

This was absolutely HYSTERICAL, my friend...I laughed so hard! Okay...the thing is I have NO interest in this story because I read the first chapter or two and was "you've got to be kidding with this writing" It's very typical, like you said..and I thought I've got better things to read and do...but ya, you get to the crux of the matter...we're all chicks...we wanna be entertained. That having been said..the whole vampire thing I'm not into...and bad reading and all...nope..but gosh, still wiping the tears from my eyes...great post!

Dy said...

I'm laughing. And nodding. And really trying hard not to go pay my fines at the library and wrestle the pimply girl for the one copy they have.

Because even though a pimply girl with wrinkles can probably take her, it'd be embarrassing in such a small library. No matter how worth it it might be by the time I got home.

Thank heaven for at least a few remaining vestiges of social propriety, huh?

That, and Amazon Prime...


Laura said...

I'm on my 3rd try to read it.
Just not my you've made it sound more interesting for sure.

Jenni said...

Ha ha! I'm "blessed" to have the entire set residing in my home. No, they're not mine! This review confirms all my suspicions about the series. Yet, I'm going to read at least the first book anyway because of peer pressure and the fact that Jo is hooked on it and has gotten Na into it too. Twilight will probably be my first book for February. I'm not looking forward to it. I will not allow the rest of February to be dedicated to the three sequels. Oh, and I think movie Edward Cullen is not the least bit tempting. He rather looks like a creepy old man in a gay teenage boy's body. Ew. I just creeped myself out. You know what I meant.

Denise said...

I loved this post....and they sucked me in too. I read all 4 books and will probably read them all again.

Redefining Paradise- Rachel said...

Loved the post. I read all 4 4 days. yeah, I know.......get a life. I liked the books from a purely "teen girl fantasy" point of view. I ripped it apart in my "middle-age womanly reality" point of view.....but I can totally identify. And for the record.......the guy playing Edward for the movie.......EWww!!
Harry Potter yes, Twilight...not even.

Jenny in Ca said...

oh my gosh, I am rolling over this!

I haven't read them, they just sounded too dark and kind of lame...your post just confirmed my impressions. I too, have better things to read.

thanks for the laugh!