A Glimpse Into The Mind of Urban Mom

Ok, ok.  This whole blog is meant to give you a glimpse into the machinations of my thought process.  But I thought that this particular post might give you an idea of where I come from, of my roots, yes, of my relationship with the Pink Power Ranger.

You see, PPR & I have nothing in common.  We have always had utterly different lives.  I was a straight-A, club-involved Varsity athlete in high school, she wore a black leather jacket and walked from the front door of the school straight to the back door; I live in the city of Chicago, she lives in the far-flung suburbs of St. Louis; I went from corporate drone to high school teacher to homeschool mom, she straps on Kevlar, packs heat and goes into situations that we regular folks would run the hell away from; I'm married with two kids, she sleeps late and does whatever the hell she wants with her own money.

You get the idea.

However, we also have everything in common.  While we are complete polar opposites, we have some "interesting" characters in common and the unusual common history of our goofy family (and let's just add that she and I share the same feelings regarding Her Husband).  She and I share a sense of humor that might be called, well..... dark.  Urban Dad does not share this sense of humor, so I don't get to show that side too much at home.  But you can imagine how PPR hones hers during the course of her work week.

Here's our idea of humor:

This exchange took place while I was visiting Best Namma Ever! and using her computer late one evening.  Keep in mind that until this moment, I saw the Skype icon on her desktop, but didn't really understand what it is until I heard a *ding* and saw PPR's note.  This is my first-ever Skype conversation!

[10:34:58 PM] PPR: Hi Mommy!

[10:35:45 PM] Me (pretending to be BNE!): Hi Sweetie, how are you?

[10:36:57 PM] PPR: Just fine. Tired. Ran a LOT of errands today. Going to paint my bedroom tomorrow.

[10:37:12 PM] PPR: Will still be there by 3 though ;)   

[10:37:14 PM] Me (pretending to be BNE!): What color?

[10:37:23 PM]  Me (still pretending t be BNE!): Don't be late.

[10:37:42 PM]  PPR: An earthtone beige with a hint of yellow. I can bring you a swatch of it.

[10:38:09 PM]  Me (continuing to pretend to be BNE!): Would love to see it. By the way, I have to tell you something important.

[10:38:23 PM]  PPR: What

[10:38:32 PM] PPR: No one can see this but me.

[10:38:35 PM] Me (just eating up this delicious moment): Valerie is my favorite.

[10:38:48 PM]  Me (giggling my hiney off like a 12yo): BWAAAAA HAAAA HAAA HAAAAAA

[10:38:58 PM]  PPR: I already knew that. You make it quite obvious.

[10:39:48 PM]  PPR: I got kicked out onto the mean streets to fend for myself when I was only ten.

[10:40:16 PM]  Me (only kinda being BNE! now): Ten? Gee, I must've been really drunk. I thought you were twelve.
{note to reader: it's ok; BNE! is not and has never been a drunk}

[10:40:23 PM] PPR: I had to walk to school in blizzards and you drove by slowly with Valerie-waving and smiling.

[10:41:08 PM] PPR: It's okay. Now I carry a gun and I am perfecting my knowledge of crime scene staging.

[10:41:19 PM] PPR: Bwaaaa haaaa haaaa haaaa

[10:41:45 PM] Me: You can be late tomorrow.

[10:42:38 PM]  PPR: I thought so. Wench.

[10:42:57 PM]  PPR: Heee heee

[10:43:38 PM] Me: Heeee heeee back atcha.

[10:43:42 PM]  Me (as BNE!): Nighty night!

[10:43:51 PM]  Me (as BNE!): "mommy" is sleepy

[10:44:32 PM]   PPR:  Go sleep it off. See you tomorrow. Try to keep the pain killers and liquor in their respective bottles and out of your tummy.

[10:45:20 PM]  Me (as BNE!): but the dreams are so much better if i mix them. i dream that i'm single....

Ok, maybe PPR and I are the only ones that get it and find it funny.  Maybe it was a "you had to be there" kind of moment.  And maybe "you had to be there" moments that happen in cyber-space are that much harder to translate to other people later.

But I'll confess that I'm strangely looking forward to using my mom's computer again on my next visit!

BWAAAA HAAAAAA HAAAAA!

Pink Power Ranger Pictures

This is the kind of stuff that my cop sister, the Pink Power Ranger, posts on Facebook on her day off. Interesting juxtaposition, huh?

Free Case of Froot Loops With Home Purchase!

Wanna see something funny? My sister, the Pink Power Ranger, has put her house up for sale. Yeah, it's not the greatest time, but there's a story behind her reasons. More on that in another post. But this is a picture on her on-line ad. Notice anything?

For the record, that's a plastic plant. She bought it about 15 years ago and put it into the corner of her living room, just to watch people's reactions when they came over. Of course, being a Poe-Poe for the last 11 years just adds to the fun.

She's now assuming that her local sherriff's department will be getting a warrant to break down her door.

I'm assuming that her Open House will be quite popular!

Pink Power Ranger

Greetings from The Mother Ship! We thought that we would stop in here for a couple of days before heading back to Chicago. But it really is a vacation here, with very little to worry about, so we're hanging until as late as Saturday.

I've more to say on the MIL topic, but she's starting to bore even me right now. So let's change themes, shall we?

Today, it's about the Pink Power Ranger, my sister, who is a police officer here in a nearby suburb. I want to give all of you a proper introduction to her. Y'know why? Because yesterday she almost helped deliver a baby.

PPR is currently on days, 6am to 6pm. And in St. Louis, summertime is nasty-hot. Imagine getting to put on a bulletproof vest, polyester uniform, boots and a hat. Ugh. But, as usual, I digress.... PPR got a call from dispatch that a woman was giving birth at home on her mother's bathroom floor, that the baby was crowning. The grandmother was frantic. PPR was closest, so off she went. As she went 95mph, she grabbed her phone and called a paramedic friend to request CliffNotes on baby delivery. PPR was the first on the scene, putting on rubber gloves as she ran up the driveway.

When she came into the house and found the women in the bathroom -- you can imagine that it was not a tidy scene -- the baby had been born moments before. The grandmother had caught the tiny girl, who was three weeks early. PPR checked to make sure that the infant was breathing, as she wasn't crying, but just quietly looking around and blinking. All was well. Dispatch was on the speakerphone, and everyone there was hanging on their seats waiting to hear what happened. The grandmother wanted to cut the cord, but PPR asked her to wait -- that the paramedics were fast on her heels.

Hey, did you know that paramedics carry a premie kit? They have blankets and even a little hat for these situations. Neat, huh?

Firefighters, who are also EMT's, arrived on the scene as well. Grandma kept busy making calls, Mom was in a bit of a stupor as she was loaded into the ambulance, and PPR got to hold the baby while people got organized.

All in a day's work.........

So that's PPR. She'll show up to deliver your baby. She'll also come over to a kid's house on her day off in a patrol car and in uniform to assure a little boy whose mother died of an anyeurism the week before that it was not his fault and that he did everything right (she was the first on-scene for that original call, too). She takes kids out of awful situations and gives them a teddy bear and puts her arm around them.

But make no mistake -- she'll Taser your ass if you need it.

Then she'll put you in pink handcuffs and take you to a holding cell too.

Finally, she earned the Top Gun award from the Police Academy. The only time anyone could remember a woman getting it. She shot a 299 out of 300. With both hands.

Poor Urban Dad -- PPR has taken us to a shooting range. The safest place to stand if you can't stand behind U-Dad? Directly in front of his target. He just can't hit it. Meanwhile, PPR's bullseye explodes in neon color over and over and over again. It's a sight.

I'm lucky to have PPR as an aunt for my kids, I think.

A "Vacation" Of Sorts?

You see, my mom (aka: Best Namma Ever!) came to visit from our hometown of St. Louis. And she does not know that I have this humble blog. Only a teeny number of people that I know IRL know that I am trying blogging. I aim to keep it that way for a while.

BNE! came up on Wednesday and stayed the night. Then yesterday, BNE! and Urban Kid 1 flew back to St. Louis. Yes, BNE! collected UK1 for a lovely little "vacation." And not a moment too soon, I'm afraid. For some reason, UK1 and I have been butting heads... and hard. Almost no day has been complete without a massive meltdown and a long timeout. My sister has eloquently referred to these events as "pi$$ing matches." The nice thing is that she spends her timeouts pulling books off of her shelves and reading them. I'm thinking of starting her on this book:She'd likely finish it before her next birthday, at the rate she's going..............

There have been a few days when Urban Dad comes home to me wondering if homeschooling is actually the best answer. "She hates me! What can I possibly teach her?" His reply is always that she does NOT hate me and that even if we do just argue all day, she's STILL better off than in the Chicago system.

UK1 loves going to BNE!'s. Everything is novel and perfect. She is the center of attention. She gets to go to church (something we're a little too lax about, I suppose) and be the center of attention there. She gets to see my sister, a police officer, aka: Pink Power Ranger. And be the center of her attention. There's some sort of trampoline place that BNE! was checking out for her. And they go to the local Y to swim and play in a shiny new pool. She gets to watch Cinderella over and over again. Seriously, who can blame the kid?

In the meantime, Urban Kid 2 is getting lots of attention, especially from UD. He worries that he doesn't get enough time with her due to the whirling dervish that is UK1. As the weather improves bit by teeny tiny bit, he wants to take UK2 out for a walk in the stroller when he gets home. For the next few days, it will be The UD and UK2 Show. More power to 'em.

BNE! and UK1 are scheduled to fly back on Tuesday. But Pink Power Ranger is scheduled to drive up for a visit next Friday. So BNE! might just keep UK1 a few extra days, and all three may arrive together instead. I am all about the latter idea. So does this make me a bad mom? Or just an honest one? An honestly bad one? Or maybe one that is fortunate enough to come up for air now and then.

As much as I love living here, and as excited as I am about raising kids in the heart of the city, I do envy those that have family around them, handy on a day-to-day basis. I thank God every day for BNE! and how involved she has been from 300 miles away. I'd lose my mind without her.

But I'm still not telling her about this blog.
=-)