Monday, March 30, 2009

A Long Walk For A Short Beer

Can I just preface this post with mad props to Darcy at LWM3B? She read about my Netflix snafu and kindly and generously offered me a 24-hour movie rental from This allowed me to 1.) see Twilight for free 2.) see it sooner than I would have otherwise and 3.) bump Charlotte's Web up to the top spot in my queue (the 1970's version with Paul Lynde as Templeton, 'cause I roll in the old skule way). So a million thank-you's to Darcy!!

Now, let's get to work.

In no particular order:

Wow. I need to move to Hollywood. I cannot act. I cannot direct. I cannot write. There seems to be plenty of work!! A few suggestions for New Moon? A few extra bucks in the budget for acting lessons, please? Pretty, pretty please? Honestly, Robert... were you that bad in Harry Potter? I have to go back and check now. And I hear-tell that it's a different director for New Moon, so perhaps we can lose the high-school-production awkwardness?

If you watch this on the computer, turn off the sound. Put the window with the movie in it up into the corner of the screen. It's a much better movie that way. Very pretty to look at without all of that painful talking coming out of these characters.

You know how sometimes your kids do an art project with glitter? And that bits of glitter can show up in weird places after that? If I see any bit of glitter on Urban Dad, I will scream, race to him, jump on him and smack it off of him.

Cool music. When can I buy one track at a time from iTunes instead of the whole freakin' album?

Also, the scene when Edward & Bella are going up the stairs of the house... what is that painting on the wall? That is what I want to know after seeing this movie. And yes, I am showing my age here by wanting to know this so badly. And no Google search gives me an answer. Someone? Anyone? I loved that painting......

Now let's look at a few characters in particular, shall we?

Chief Swan. My favorite! I think I know why... he hates Edward! And I love to hate Edward. Or hate to love him. Or hate myself for having the hots for him and realizing that I could be his, errrrr, Godmother. Yeah, Godmother. Or maybe it's because Billy Burke was one of the few people in this movie not shooting for the William Shatner Over-Acting Award. Pink Power Ranger wasn't crazy about him -- she seems to think that the Cop Dad Cleaning His Gun As The Suitor Arrives thing is a bit old. But I loved it. Take note Robert and Kristen -- Less Is More.

And besides, look at him in real-life.

He could clean his gun in my kitchen anytime. Extra bonus? He's been (legally) buying his own alcohol for a while now. Longer than me, even.

Jasper. What? Are you going to see The Wizard in the hopes of receiving a brain? Who approved this look for you? Frankly, you weird me out a bit. You look less like a white-knuckling-it vampire than someone who's just, well, kinda nuts.
Alice & Emmett:

Just as I pictured them. Needless to say, strokes of genius on the parts of the casting and makeup people.

Stephenie Meyer: Nice cameo! Very Fenoglio in Inkspell (which I am currently reading). Yep, you get it all here at Urban Mom -- movie reviews, comparative literature. I'm a woman of many talents. (and of many Google searches)

OMG, wait! Is she at a computer? As in writing?! Quick! Someone take it from her! Take away that computer before she strikes again! Honestly, that's the scariest thing in this movie.

You kept reminding me of someone. Someone I had seen in another movie. Where else had I heard such badly written sage reminders so badly delivered? Then it hit me!Gary Cole as Mike Brady in The Brady Bunch Movies! Except, I think that he was doing it intentionally. Yeah, he meant to be funny. Is that what you were going for too, Carlisle???

I don't know why, but I kept expecting Jack Bauer to pop out of nowhere and shoot her.


Again, just as I imagined Rosalie. I like her. Yeah, she's a beeeyotch and a half, but you know exactly where you stand with her. No fakey fake to your face and then talking smack about you when you leave the room. She'll talk smack about you right there. No need for Edward to read her mind. She'll speak it for you and for anyone else in the room. I find that weirdly refreshing and hope that she gets more lines in the future.

'Cause you know that I'll just end up going to see this.

In the theater this time. Tagging along behind a bunch of middle-school girls so that it looks like I'm chaperoning them. When really, the reverse could just as easily be true.

Until then, closing the book on this topic for a while!


june cleaver said...

Yeah-that movie is so awful it is sure to be a cult classic.

My biggest complaint of the movie? They neutered Edward big time... I mean-in the book he was all that and a bag of chip (serious orgasm material) and in real life-Robert Pattinson is channeling James Dean I tell ya with how cool and aloof he is... but in this god forsaken movie they took his balls and cut them off.

But for some damn reason I keep watching it over and over and over... each time wanting to smack the crap out of Kirsten Stewart and mute the volume every time "Jacob" speaks.

I cant WAIT for New Moon to come out!

SMOOK said...

Since you know I think the words in the book are bewitched - I also think the proximity to the books are also in play.

I sorta remembered the movie was being released - and then FLUSH - off to another random brain topic.

I think your need to see the movie has to do with the crazy witched out books being in your home!

Okay - I do want to see new moon and at some point I will see know after "i love you man" but before Super bad??? Just to prep my brain for the proper mode of awful.

Perpetratin' like I'm homemakin'... said...

A friend of mine guided me to your blog, because it seems we have very similar thoughts about the whole 'mania' a good word? :-) (I hope you don't mind that I linked to one of your hilarious posts on my own blog).

My main gripe? Emmett and Rosalie look like they're in their mid-twenties. I don't buy for a second that those folks are teenagers. And Carlisle? Hmm...I think the makeup dept. went a little overboard. They could have dialed it down a level or five, and still gotten the "He's Pale" message across.

But hey...are my crazy ideas making millions of dollars? Who am I to criticize?

Keep up the Twilight Talk! I don't feel so alone anymore in my "I am slightly repulsed, and yet I cannot look away" response.

Darcy @ lwm3b said...

KStew was too stoned to make a good Bella.
RPattz is hot but too metro to make a good Edward.

Don't blame Stephenie. Blame casting.

If I hadn't read the books, I'd totally be on Team Jasper. Loved him in the baseball scene.

But I thought KStew waffled between undersacting and overacting... and I didn't get at all the vibe Stephenie wrote for her role in the book.

Still, I watch the movie over and over and over...

it's sick.

But the best part is Stephenie Meyer's cameo.

rita said...

Um. Yeah. The movie is so bad that it's good, and God help me, I will watch it over and over. (We're heading to Florida this afternoon in a car without satellite radio or a cd player; I bought a power adapter so I can watch Twilight on my laptop in the damn car).

I thought that Bella was pretty much right-on, it's the way I expected a depressive to act, so I'm on her side. Edward was kind of creepy at times, depending on the angle, but still, I like watching him. And I LOVE his voice.

Carlisle really creeps me out. He's just too overly made up. Casting could have done better there. Esme was good. I agree that Rosalie and Jasper looked much too old to be teens.

The movie would be much better with Jack Bauer in it. Go ahead and shoot Renee. One less problem for ol' Bella. And he'd take care of those damn rogue vampires without all the fuss. No one would ever know they'd been hanging around.

My husband insisted on watching the movie with me, so I couldn't squirrel it away in the bedroom and snuggle up in bed with my laptop. He hated it, and I was watching it through his eyes. Thankfully he fell asleep halfway through and I really got into the second half.

*sigh* When will this madness end? I think that maybe the books HAVE bewitched me.

ohio12 said...

Thanks for weighing in on my fashion post on the boards. I would love to hear what you are doing hs-wise for UK1 next year. I am starting to get serious about planning. Are you happy with Saxon? -LK

Jenni said...

I cheated. I watched the movie about a week before reading the book. I usually can't stand to do that, but I figured maybe I could then just not read the book. As I was reading Twilight the next week, I thought back to the acting, and I thought that the actor who played Edward actually did a pretty good job getting the emotions and exact actions described in the book right. Looking at the poster here makes me wish he'd keep his shirt buttoned though. I think I like him better when I can't see his pasty, under-muscled chest. Seriously, I know he is supposed to be 17 and that the musculature looks it, but I have 18yo and 14yo boys who look a little like that--only maybe more muscular. It creeps me out that it's supposed to be sexy.

Carlisle - Yes, waaaaay overboard on the makeup. Humorously creepy and somehow condescending more than fatherly. NOT right.

Charlie - Holy crap! Charlie's hot in real life. I'm glad I didn't read this until I was done with the books. It would have felt all wrong.

Alice - Perfect. I adore Alice.

Bella - Kinda of underwhelming. Maybe I should watch it again, but I don't remember her having the depth of emotion and hint of that rich inner life that Bella had in the book.

The baseball game was definitely the coolest part. That's something no one ever would expect me to say, but if baseball were like that, I might become more sports tolerant.